I Did a Steven Seagal version of the Chuck Norris Facts List. It is awesome, and all from me.
The Official Steven Seagal Facts List
1
Steven Seagal can impregnate women telepathically
2
There are 2 kinds of people in this world; Steven Seagal and those begging not to be killed by Steven Seagal
3
A stitch in time saves nine, but then Steven Seagal kills ten, to even it out
4
Steven Seagal's trees are in the seeds of tomorrow
5
An apple a day can keep the doctor away, but an entire orchard cant protect you from the wrath of Steven Seagal
6
And the apple will fall far from the tree if Steven Seagal is under that tree
7
There were 8 dwarves until one messed with Steven Seagal
8
Steven Seagal doesn't have to participate in Daylight Savings
In a false state of security, the sun turns back, then springs forward when pounced on by Steven Seagal
9
Sliced bread is the best thing since Steven Seagal
10
It is impossible for Steven Seagal to bite off more than he can chew
His gullet expands when this happens
11
Steven Seagal wasn't on the debate team in school
He was on the Agree With me Or I'll Shoot You In The Head team
12
When Steven Seagal gains any weight, he doesn't diet, he just kidnaps Tom Cruise, and forces him to use his gypsy magic to cure the accursed fat
13
What goes up, must face the wrath of Steven Seagal
14
Steven Seagal never learned about sex, because scared bees hid in the birds, killing them both
15
Steven Seagal has a trailer at the bottom of a bottomless pit, which he dug by hand
16
Steven Seagal is busier than a bee
Deal with it
17
You can't tell Steven Seagal's ass from a hole in the ground
That's because he has permanently blind you
18
Steven Seagal can make cat's moo
19
The only chips off the old block are those chipped by the fist of Steven Seagal
20
Steven Seagal can compare apples to mangos
21
The dead of winter was alive when Steven got there
22
Steven Seagal can freeze air
23
Steven Seagal,
24
Steven Seagal doesn't count his eggs before they hatch; He counts them before the hen lays them
25
Steven Seagal can put all his eggs in one basket
After he kills you and takes your basket
26
Steven Seagal doesn't make a mountain out of a molehill; the moles are in hiding, so there are no molehills
27
Steven Seagal not only looks a gift horse in the mouth, but he pulls out it's tongue and feeds it to lesser horses
28
Don't put the cart before the horse, and never let that cart get in the path of Steven Seagal
29
Clint's bowel movements are equivalent to their weight in gold
30
Every dog has it's day, unless BEFORE that day it crosses the path of an angry Steven Seagal
31
Not only can he burn a candle at both ends, he can do so with laser vision
32
You either sink or swim
That is, unless you are Steven Seagal, in which case water only forms where it feels safe
33
The grass is greener wherever the hell Steven Seagal wants it to be
34
Steven Seagal eats anyone who approaches him with a pamphlet
35
Steven Seagal retired at age 12
36
Steven Seagal can use a Barnes and Noble gift card at Borders
37
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man succeptible to the attack from Steven Seagal
38
Steven Seagal makes Chuck Norris look like a girl scout
A GIRLY girl scout that sucks her thumb and plays with My Little Pony
39
Steven Seagal's stream of urine has been clocked at 46 miles per hour
40
Knowledge is power
And power is Steven Seagal
41
Rome wasn't built in a day
That's because for 6 days, the people hired to build Rome were hiding from Steven Seagalin a hole, eating bugs and defecating in a jar
42
All pennies produced since Steven Seagal's birth have been blank, because Abraham Lincoln is hiding from Steven Seagal
43
All work and no play makes Johnny lucky that he hasn't been killed by Steven Seagal
44
Love is blind
And after an unlucky encounter with Steven Seagal, it is now deaf and mute
45
Steven Seagalcan tango by himself
46
Sticks and stones will break your bones, but not as many bones as a punch from Steven Seagal
47
Words can cut you like a knife, and Steven Seagal's words can shoot you in the face
48
Fighting solves everything if done by Steven Seagal
49
You only live once
Unless you are Steven Seagal, in which case you are immortal
Sadly, noone but Steven Seagal is Steven Seagal, so you will all die
And probably soon
50
Two things are constant in this world; Steven Seagal and taxes
51
Steven Seagal can scare a cat to death 10 times
52
Curiosity didn't kill the cat; It just distracted it from it's impending doom at the hands of Steven Seagal
53
There is more than one way to skin a cat; but the most effective is to put it in the path of Steven Seagal, where it's fear would scare it's flesh off it's body
54
It is impossible to determine which came first between the chicken and the egg, because the first chicken was scared back into it's egg by Steven Seagal
55
Absence makes the heart grow fonder; unless Steven Seagal has already removed yours
56
Actions speak louder than words, and Steven Seagal is made up of 70% action
57
All for one, and one for Steven Seagal
58
Steven Seagal chose Coke in the Pepsi challenge, and Pepsi killed itself
59
Steven Seagal ate the apple of his eye
60
It's as plain as the nose on your face
Unless, of course, Steven Seagal hasn't already ripped it off your face
61
Steven Seagalthinks there are 14 in a baker's dozen
And he's RIGHT
62
Steven Seagalcan't bark up the wrong tree, because Steven Seagalis never wrong
63
Beauty is only skin deep
Unless your skin has been removed at the hands of Steven Seagal
64
Steven Seagal has a trademark on the phrase "Please Don't Kill Me
"
65
When playing Scrabble, Steven Seagal can use the letter X as many times as he wants
66
Steven Seagal can't go use a microwave, because his abs of steel would have an adverse affect
67
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Be good, or else Steven Seagal will rip OUT the beholder's eye, and everyone will be ugly
68
Steven Seagal doesn't have eyes in the back of his head; and he has eyes in the back of YOUR head
69
He was rated in deadliness from 1-10, and he scored an "Ahhhh! Why are you killing me?"
70
Steven Seagal keeps Spiro Agnew tied up in his basement
71
Steven Seagal eats evil
Low Sodium, preferrably
72
Steven Seagal makes silent "E" confess to whatever it is he is so silent about
73
Steven Seagal has large talons on his feet
74
Morgan Freeman is the undead puppet of Steven Seagal
75
Steven Seagal will beat a dead horse all he wants
Deal with it
76
Beggars CAN be choosers
If Steven Seagal is that beggar
77
A bird in the hand is worth two if he survives an onslaught from an enraged Steven Seagal
78
Birds of a feather flock together
And that flock is stupid for making the mistake of being a big target for Steven Seagal
79
Steven Seagal was born with a silver spoon in his mouth
Then, he dispatched his babysitter with said spoon
80
If sand gets in the crack of Steven Seagal's posterior, he shoots every grain indiviually until he finds the conspirators responsible for his rashed behind
81
Steven Seagal killed an entire fleet of Vietnamese troops with a Q-Tip and some mud
82
When someone instructs Steven Seagal to "talk to the hand", he straps that hand to a chair and interrogates the hand, eventually extracting the neccesary information
83
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you easier to kill for Steven Seagal
84
When he got his credit score checked, it came out as 721
Thus beating that annoying guy from the commercials that had a score of 720
HAH!!!
85
Steven Seagal eats diamonds for breakfast
86
When he doesn't get a free pen at a business, he burns it to the ground
Then writes an apology with a free pen he got from a previous appointment
87
Steven Seagal has a personal parking spot at the Museum of Awesome-Ocity
88
Steven Seagal has a chemical element named after him
It's abbreviation is PWNED
89
Steven Seagal doesn't DO courtesy flushes
He does MERCY flushes
90
Clintcan carry air
And crush you with it
91
Steven Seagal can destroy all annoying people
But first comes Glenn Beck and that douche lead singer of Blink 182
92
Charleton Heston is Steven Seagal's bitch
93
Steven Seagal didn't breastfeed
He drank Scotch from the bottle in the premature ward
94
Steven Seagal is so manly, he could have large breasts and STILL be manly
95
Steven Seagal fought off an onslaught of alien versions of Ernest Borgnine in 1984
96
Clintplayed Cassio in an Off-Broadway production of Othello
And stabbed Othello's wife Desdemonda
97
Steven Seagal invented pain
98
Steven Seagal uses the words "Nook", "Spritzer", and "Fabulous" and makes them manly
99
Steven Seagal was the one who interrogated Shakira's hips, eventually making them crack and admit their deviations, and yet still lying to the masses
100
Steven Seagal is watching you
101
How many Steven Seagals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because Steven Seagal can generate light by rubbing his hands together
102
Steven Seagal burns the midnight oil
Over your house
103
Steven Seagal calls the shots
And he calls them whatever he wants to call them
104
Steven Seagal can teach an old dog new tricks
Unfortunately, all of them are "play dead"
105
Steven Seagal can have his cake and eat yours too
106
Never judge a book by it's cover
Judge it by the likeliness that Steven Seagal would jump out of that book and kill you
107
You can't hold a candle to Steven Seagal
Because he can disarm the candle from you and set your hair on fire
108
Steven Seagal could find his way out of a paper sack
109
Steven Seagal has his own brand of bottled water, made from the tears of His Enemies
It's called " Aqua-Steven "
It's slogan is "If You Don't Drink My Water, I'll Rip Your Head Off"
110
Steven Seagal will cut off your nose to spite his face
111
Steven Seagal controls the mind of Glenn Beck. He FORCES him to say stupid things.
112
It's a dog eat dog world
Unless Steven Seagal eats your dog before it can eat another dog
113
Steven Seagal shot the sheriff AND he shot the deputy
114
Steven Seagal doesn't have bad hair days
He just has good scalp days
115
Don't rock the boat
Unless rocking the boat makes it go faster to avoid an untimely death at the hands of Steven Seagal
116
Steven Seagal is ALWAYS dressed to kill
117
The early bird gets the worm
Then Steven Seagal shoots that bird
118
A chain is as strong as it's weakest link
Because the weakest link is easy prey for Steven Seagal
119
Steven Seagal would give you the shirt off his back
Then he would kill you and take it back
120
Steven Seagal shot J.R., not J
R
's sister-in-law and mistress Kristin
121
Good things come to those who wait
But unfortunately, those who wait allow Steven Seagal to get within firing range
122
When Steven Seagal gets off on the wrong foot, he politely gets off the person's foot, and then shoots them in the face
123
Steven Seagal doesn't give 110%
He gives 109% and shoots the person immediately outranking him, causing 109% to become the status Quo
124
Steven Seagal could hit the NARROW side of a barn
Suck on that, Southerners!
125
He who laughs fast laughs last
He who laughs hysterically doesn't realize that Steven Seagal is right behind him
126
Steven Seagal heard it through the grapevine
If that grapevine was a wiretap he himself implanted
127
Home is where the heart is, and odds are Steven Seagal has already ripped out your heart, so your home is in Steven Seagal's basement freezer
128
A house divided against itself cannot stand
There isn't a Steven Seagal referrence here, but it is a good piece of advice
129
Steven Seagal could kill you with one hand tied behind your back
130
Steven Seagal wasn't born yesterday
Unless today is May 32, 1930
131
Steven Seagal is the walrus
Koo Koo Cachu
132
Steven Seagal doesn't trust you as far as he could throw you
Luckily, Steven Seagal wouldn't even waste his time to decide how far he could throw you
133
If wishes were Nazi's, Steven Seagal would have already shot your wishes
134
If you can't stand the heat, then confess what you've done and Steven Seagal will turn off this interrogetion lamp
135
I'll be a monkey's uncle
And Steven Seagal will be a monkey's grandpa
136
Steven Seagal is the pope
137
Steven Seagal's bodily composition is made up of 70% action, 30% testosterone, 40% pain, and 1% butterscotch ripple
141% of whoop ass
138
A wolf is Steven Seagal in sheeps clothing
139
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye
Then, it's obvious Steven Seagal found out about old one-eye's cheating
140
It's not over until Steven Seagal says it's over
141
Steven Seagal is a licensed optometrist.
142
There's no use crying over spilt milk
Unless that milk jug was Steven Seagal's home
Now that you screwed up Steven Seagal's home, now you must pay
143
It's better than a sharp stick in the eye
At least that stick wasn't being wielded by Steven Seagal
144
Steven Seagal is a jack of all trades and a master of every single ONE
145
Steven Seagal actually uses the F10 key on his keyboard
146
Steven Seagal's phone number is 1-800 IFYOUCALLTHISNUMBERIMGONNAKICKYOURASS, OR.... 4 3 9 - 8 2 2 5 5 8 4 4 7 6 8 6 2 3 7 4 6 4 - 6 6 2 5 4 2 5 9 - 8 7 2 7 7
147
Steven Seagal knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop
148
If you breath around Steven Seagal, he will retrieve a plunger and take his air back
149
Steven Seagal can turn stone into enots.
150
Steven Seagal is the subject of at least 150 facts. Thanks for reading, Reader.
Please don't re-use any of these. Please pass it on, but this is all my stuff. I love my readers, but plagarists get to face the wrath of Steven Seagal. And a legal professional.
