The Official Steven Seagal Facts List

I Did a Steven Seagal version of the Chuck Norris Facts List. It is awesome, and all from me.

The Official Steven Seagal Facts List

1
Steven Seagal can impregnate women telepathically

2
There are 2 kinds of people in this world; Steven Seagal and those begging not to be killed by Steven Seagal

3
A stitch in time saves nine, but then Steven Seagal kills ten, to even it out

4
Steven Seagal's trees are in the seeds of tomorrow

5
An apple a day can keep the doctor away, but an entire orchard cant protect you from the wrath of Steven Seagal

6
And the apple will fall far from the tree if Steven Seagal is under that tree

7
There were 8 dwarves until one messed with Steven Seagal

8
Steven Seagal doesn't have to participate in Daylight Savings
In a false state of security, the sun turns back, then springs forward when pounced on by Steven Seagal

9
Sliced bread is the best thing since Steven Seagal

10
It is impossible for Steven Seagal to bite off more than he can chew
His gullet expands when this happens

11
Steven Seagal wasn't on the debate team in school
He was on the Agree With me Or I'll Shoot You In The Head team

12
When Steven Seagal gains any weight, he doesn't diet, he just kidnaps Tom Cruise, and forces him to use his gypsy magic to cure the accursed fat


13
What goes up, must face the wrath of Steven Seagal

14
Steven Seagal never learned about sex, because scared bees hid in the birds, killing them both

15
Steven Seagal has a trailer at the bottom of a bottomless pit, which he dug by hand

16
Steven Seagal is busier than a bee
Deal with it

17
You can't tell Steven Seagal's ass from a hole in the ground
That's because he has permanently blind you

18
Steven Seagal can make cat's moo

19
The only chips off the old block are those chipped by the fist of Steven Seagal

20
Steven Seagal can compare apples to mangos

21
The dead of winter was alive when Steven got there

22
Steven Seagal can freeze air

23
Steven Seagal,
24
Steven Seagal doesn't count his eggs before they hatch; He counts them before the hen lays them

25
Steven Seagal can put all his eggs in one basket
After he kills you and takes your basket

26
Steven Seagal doesn't make a mountain out of a molehill; the moles are in hiding, so there are no molehills

27
Steven Seagal not only looks a gift horse in the mouth, but he pulls out it's tongue and feeds it to lesser horses

28
Don't put the cart before the horse, and never let that cart get in the path of Steven Seagal

29
Clint's bowel movements are equivalent to their weight in gold

30
Every dog has it's day, unless BEFORE that day it crosses the path of an angry Steven Seagal

31
Not only can he burn a candle at both ends, he can do so with laser vision

32
You either sink or swim
That is, unless you are Steven Seagal, in which case water only forms where it feels safe

33
The grass is greener wherever the hell Steven Seagal wants it to be

34
Steven Seagal eats anyone who approaches him with a pamphlet

35
Steven Seagal retired at age 12

36
Steven Seagal can use a Barnes and Noble gift card at Borders

37
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man succeptible to the attack from Steven Seagal

38
Steven Seagal makes Chuck Norris look like a girl scout
A GIRLY girl scout that sucks her thumb and plays with My Little Pony

39
Steven Seagal's stream of urine has been clocked at 46 miles per hour

40
Knowledge is power
And power is Steven Seagal

41
Rome wasn't built in a day
That's because for 6 days, the people hired to build Rome were hiding from Steven Seagalin a hole, eating bugs and defecating in a jar

42
All pennies produced since Steven Seagal's birth have been blank, because Abraham Lincoln is hiding from Steven Seagal

43
All work and no play makes Johnny lucky that he hasn't been killed by Steven Seagal

44
Love is blind
And after an unlucky encounter with Steven Seagal, it is now deaf and mute

45
Steven Seagalcan tango by himself

46
Sticks and stones will break your bones, but not as many bones as a punch from Steven Seagal

47
Words can cut you like a knife, and Steven Seagal's words can shoot you in the face

48
Fighting solves everything if done by Steven Seagal

49
You only live once
Unless you are Steven Seagal, in which case you are immortal
Sadly, noone but Steven Seagal is Steven Seagal, so you will all die
And probably soon

50
Two things are constant in this world; Steven Seagal and taxes

51
Steven Seagal can scare a cat to death 10 times

52
Curiosity didn't kill the cat; It just distracted it from it's impending doom at the hands of Steven Seagal

53
There is more than one way to skin a cat; but the most effective is to put it in the path of Steven Seagal, where it's fear would scare it's flesh off it's body

54
It is impossible to determine which came first between the chicken and the egg, because the first chicken was scared back into it's egg by Steven Seagal

55
Absence makes the heart grow fonder; unless Steven Seagal has already removed yours

56
Actions speak louder than words, and Steven Seagal is made up of 70% action

57
All for one, and one for Steven Seagal

58
Steven Seagal chose Coke in the Pepsi challenge, and Pepsi killed itself

59
Steven Seagal ate the apple of his eye

60
It's as plain as the nose on your face
Unless, of course, Steven Seagal hasn't already ripped it off your face

61
Steven Seagalthinks there are 14 in a baker's dozen
And he's RIGHT

62
Steven Seagalcan't bark up the wrong tree, because Steven Seagalis never wrong

63
Beauty is only skin deep
Unless your skin has been removed at the hands of Steven Seagal

64
Steven Seagal has a trademark on the phrase "Please Don't Kill Me
"
65
When playing Scrabble, Steven Seagal can use the letter X as many times as he wants

66
Steven Seagal can't go use a microwave, because his abs of steel would have an adverse affect

67
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Be good, or else Steven Seagal will rip OUT the beholder's eye, and everyone will be ugly

68
Steven Seagal doesn't have eyes in the back of his head; and he has eyes in the back of YOUR head

69
He was rated in deadliness from 1-10, and he scored an "Ahhhh! Why are you killing me?"
70
Steven Seagal keeps Spiro Agnew tied up in his basement

71
Steven Seagal eats evil
Low Sodium, preferrably

72
Steven Seagal makes silent "E" confess to whatever it is he is so silent about

73
Steven Seagal has large talons on his feet

74
Morgan Freeman is the undead puppet of Steven Seagal

75
Steven Seagal will beat a dead horse all he wants
Deal with it

76
Beggars CAN be choosers
If Steven Seagal is that beggar

77
A bird in the hand is worth two if he survives an onslaught from an enraged Steven Seagal

78
Birds of a feather flock together
And that flock is stupid for making the mistake of being a big target for Steven Seagal

79
Steven Seagal was born with a silver spoon in his mouth
Then, he dispatched his babysitter with said spoon

80
If sand gets in the crack of Steven Seagal's posterior, he shoots every grain indiviually until he finds the conspirators responsible for his rashed behind

81
Steven Seagal killed an entire fleet of Vietnamese troops with a Q-Tip and some mud

82
When someone instructs Steven Seagal to "talk to the hand", he straps that hand to a chair and interrogates the hand, eventually extracting the neccesary information

83
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you easier to kill for Steven Seagal

84
When he got his credit score checked, it came out as 721
Thus beating that annoying guy from the commercials that had a score of 720
HAH!!!
85
Steven Seagal eats diamonds for breakfast

86
When he doesn't get a free pen at a business, he burns it to the ground
Then writes an apology with a free pen he got from a previous appointment

87
Steven Seagal has a personal parking spot at the Museum of Awesome-Ocity

88
Steven Seagal has a chemical element named after him
It's abbreviation is PWNED

89
Steven Seagal doesn't DO courtesy flushes
He does MERCY flushes

90
Clintcan carry air
And crush you with it

91
Steven Seagal can destroy all annoying people
But first comes Glenn Beck and that douche lead singer of Blink 182

92
Charleton Heston is Steven Seagal's bitch

93
Steven Seagal didn't breastfeed
He drank Scotch from the bottle in the premature ward

94
Steven Seagal is so manly, he could have large breasts and STILL be manly

95
Steven Seagal fought off an onslaught of alien versions of Ernest Borgnine in 1984

96
Clintplayed Cassio in an Off-Broadway production of Othello
And stabbed Othello's wife Desdemonda

97
Steven Seagal invented pain

98
Steven Seagal uses the words "Nook", "Spritzer", and "Fabulous" and makes them manly

99
Steven Seagal was the one who interrogated Shakira's hips, eventually making them crack and admit their deviations, and yet still lying to the masses

100
Steven Seagal is watching you

101
How many Steven Seagals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because Steven Seagal can generate light by rubbing his hands together

102
Steven Seagal burns the midnight oil
Over your house

103
Steven Seagal calls the shots
And he calls them whatever he wants to call them

104
Steven Seagal can teach an old dog new tricks
Unfortunately, all of them are "play dead"

105
Steven Seagal can have his cake and eat yours too

106
Never judge a book by it's cover
Judge it by the likeliness that Steven Seagal would jump out of that book and kill you

107
You can't hold a candle to Steven Seagal
Because he can disarm the candle from you and set your hair on fire

108
Steven Seagal could find his way out of a paper sack

109
Steven Seagal has his own brand of bottled water, made from the tears of His Enemies
It's called " Aqua-Steven "
It's slogan is "If You Don't Drink My Water, I'll Rip Your Head Off"

110
Steven Seagal will cut off your nose to spite his face

111
Steven Seagal controls the mind of Glenn Beck. He FORCES him to say stupid things.

112
It's a dog eat dog world
Unless Steven Seagal eats your dog before it can eat another dog

113
Steven Seagal shot the sheriff AND he shot the deputy

114
Steven Seagal doesn't have bad hair days
He just has good scalp days

115
Don't rock the boat
Unless rocking the boat makes it go faster to avoid an untimely death at the hands of Steven Seagal

116
Steven Seagal is ALWAYS dressed to kill

117
The early bird gets the worm
Then Steven Seagal shoots that bird

118
A chain is as strong as it's weakest link
Because the weakest link is easy prey for Steven Seagal

119
Steven Seagal would give you the shirt off his back
Then he would kill you and take it back

120
Steven Seagal shot J.R., not J
R
's sister-in-law and mistress Kristin

121
Good things come to those who wait
But unfortunately, those who wait allow Steven Seagal to get within firing range

122
When Steven Seagal gets off on the wrong foot, he politely gets off the person's foot, and then shoots them in the face

123
Steven Seagal doesn't give 110%
He gives 109% and shoots the person immediately outranking him, causing 109% to become the status Quo

124
Steven Seagal could hit the NARROW side of a barn
Suck on that, Southerners!
125
He who laughs fast laughs last
He who laughs hysterically doesn't realize that Steven Seagal is right behind him

126
Steven Seagal heard it through the grapevine
If that grapevine was a wiretap he himself implanted

127
Home is where the heart is, and odds are Steven Seagal has already ripped out your heart, so your home is in Steven Seagal's basement freezer

128
A house divided against itself cannot stand
There isn't a Steven Seagal referrence here, but it is a good piece of advice

129
Steven Seagal could kill you with one hand tied behind your back

130
Steven Seagal wasn't born yesterday
Unless today is May 32, 1930

131
Steven Seagal is the walrus
Koo Koo Cachu

132
Steven Seagal doesn't trust you as far as he could throw you
Luckily, Steven Seagal wouldn't even waste his time to decide how far he could throw you

133
If wishes were Nazi's, Steven Seagal would have already shot your wishes

134
If you can't stand the heat, then confess what you've done and Steven Seagal will turn off this interrogetion lamp

135
I'll be a monkey's uncle
And Steven Seagal will be a monkey's grandpa

136
Steven Seagal is the pope

137
Steven Seagal's bodily composition is made up of 70% action, 30% testosterone, 40% pain, and 1% butterscotch ripple
141% of whoop ass

138
A wolf is Steven Seagal in sheeps clothing

139
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye
Then, it's obvious Steven Seagal found out about old one-eye's cheating

140
It's not over until Steven Seagal says it's over

141
Steven Seagal is a licensed optometrist.
142
There's no use crying over spilt milk
Unless that milk jug was Steven Seagal's home
Now that you screwed up Steven Seagal's home, now you must pay

143
It's better than a sharp stick in the eye
At least that stick wasn't being wielded by Steven Seagal

144
Steven Seagal is a jack of all trades and a master of every single ONE

145
Steven Seagal actually uses the F10 key on his keyboard

146
Steven Seagal's phone number is 1-800 IFYOUCALLTHISNUMBERIMGONNAKICKYOURASS, OR.... 4 3 9 - 8 2 2 5 5 8 4 4 7 6 8 6 2 3 7 4 6 4 - 6 6 2 5 4 2 5 9 - 8 7 2 7 7

147
Steven Seagal knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop

148
If you breath around Steven Seagal, he will retrieve a plunger and take his air back

149
Steven Seagal can turn stone into enots.
150
Steven Seagal is the subject of at least 150 facts. Thanks for reading, Reader.

Please don't re-use any of these. Please pass it on, but this is all my stuff. I love my readers, but plagarists get to face the wrath of Steven Seagal. And a legal professional.